Unless and until you access the consciousness frequency of presence,
all relationships, and particularly intimate relationships, are deeply
flawed and ultimately dysfunctional. They may seem perfect for a
while, such as when you are “in love,” but invariably that apparent
perfection gets disrupted as arguments, conflicts, dissatisfaction, and
emotional or even physical violence occur with increasing frequency.
It seems that most “love relationships” become love/hate
relationships before long. Love can then turn into savage attack,
feelings of hostility, or complete withdrawal of affection at the flick of
a switch. This is considered normal. The relationship then oscillates
for a while, a few months or a few years, between the polarities of
“love” and hate, and it gives you as much pleasure as it gives you
pain. It is not uncommon for couples to become addicted to those
cycles. Their drama makes them feel alive. When a balance between
the positive/negative polarities is lost and the negative, destructive
cycles occur with increasing frequency and intensity, which tends to
happen sooner or later, then it will not be long before the relationship
finally collapses.
It may appear that if you could only eliminate the negative or
destructive cycles, then all would be well and the relationship would
flower beautifully — but alas, this is not possible. The polarities are
mutually interdependent. You cannot have one without the other. The
positive already contains within itself the as yet unmanifested
negative. Both are in fact different aspects of the same dysfunction. I
am speaking here of what are commonly called romantic relationships
— not of true love, which has no opposite because it arises from
beyond the mind. Love as a continuous state is as yet very rare — as
rare as conscious human beings. Brief and elusive glimpses of love,
however, are possible whenever there is a gap in the stream of mind.
The negative side of a relationship is, of course, more easily
recognizable as dysfunctional than the positive one. And it is also
easier to recognize the source of negativity in your partner than to
see it in yourself. It can manifest in many forms: possessiveness,
jealousy, control, withdrawal and unspoken resentment, the need to
be right, insensitivity and self-absorption, emotional demands and
manipulation, the urge to argue, criticize, judge, blame, or attack,
anger, unconscious revenge for past pain inflicted by a parent, and
rage and physical violence.
On the positive side, you are “in love” with your partner. This is at
first a deeply satisfying state. You feel intensely alive. Your existence
has suddenly become meaningful because someone needs you, wants
you, and makes you feel special, and you do the same for him or her.
When you are together, you feel whole. The feeling can become so
intense that the rest of the world fades into insignificance.
However, you may also have noticed that there is a neediness and a
clinging quality to that intensity. You become addicted to the other
person. He or she acts on you like a drug. You are on a high when the
drug is available, but even the possibility or the thought that he or
she might no longer be there for you can lead to jealousy,
possessiveness, attempts at manipulation through emotional
blackmail, blaming and accusing — fear of loss. If the other person
does leave you, this can give rise to the most intense hostility or the
most profound grief and despair. In an instant, loving tenderness can
turn into a savage attack or dreadful grief. Where is the love now?
Can love change into its opposite in an instant? Was it love in the first
place, or just an addictive grasping and clinging?