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RELATIONSHIPS AS SPIRITUAL PRACTICE
RELATIONSHIPS AS SPIRITUAL PRACTICE - раздел Образование, Acclaim for THE POWER OF NOW As The Egoic Mode Of Consciousness And All The Social, Politi...
As the egoic mode of consciousness and all the social, political, and
economic structures that it created enter the final stage of collapse,
the relationships between men and women reflect the deep state of
crisis in which humanity now finds itself. As humans have become
increasingly identified with their mind, most relationships are not
rooted in Being and so turn into a source of pain and become
dominated by problems and conflict.
Millions are now living alone or as single parents, unable to establish
an intimate relationship or unwilling to repeat the insane drama of
past relationships. Others go from one relationship to another, from
one pleasure-and-pain cycle to another, in search of the elusive goal
of fulfillment through union with the opposite energy polarity. Still
others compromise and continue to be together in a dysfunctional
relationship in which negativity prevails, for the sake of the children or
security, through force of habit, fear of being alone, or some other
mutually “beneficial” arrangement, or even through the unconscious
addiction to the excitement of emotional drama and pain.
However, every crisis represents not only danger but also opportunity.
If relationships energize and magnify egoic mind patterns and activate
the pain-body, as they do at this time, why not accept this fact rather
than try to escape from it? Why not cooperate with it instead of
avoiding relationships or continuing to pursue the phantom of an ideal
partner as an answer to your problems or a means of feeling fulfilled?
The opportunity that is concealed within every crisis does not
manifest until all the facts of any given situation are acknowledged
and fully accepted. As long as you deny them, as long as you try to
escape from them or wish that things were different, the window of
opportunity does not open up, and you remain trapped inside that
situation, which will remain the same or deteriorate further.
With the acknowledgment and acceptance of the facts also comes a
degree of freedom from them. For example, when you know there is
disharmony and you hold that “knowing,” through your knowing a new
factor has come in, and the disharmony cannot remain unchanged.
When you know you are not at peace, your knowing creates a still
space that surrounds your nonpeace in a loving and tender embrace
and then transmutes your nonpeace into peace. As far as inner
transformation is concerned, there is nothing you can do about it. You
cannot transform yourself, and you certainly cannot transform your
partner or anybody else. All you can do is create a space for
transformation to happen, for grace and love to enter.
So whenever your relationship is not working, whenever it brings out
the “madness” in you and in your partner, be glad. What was
unconscious is being brought up to the light. It is an opportunity for
salvation. Every moment, hold the knowing of that moment,
particularly of your inner state. If there is anger, know that there is
anger. If there is jealousy, defensiveness, the urge to argue, the need
to be right, an inner child demanding love and attention, or emotional
pain of any kind — whatever it is, know the reality of that moment
and hold the knowing. The relationship then becomes your sadhana,
your spiritual practice. If you observe unconscious behavior in your
partner, hold it in the loving embrace of your knowing so that you
won’t react. Unconsciousness and knowing cannot coexist for long —
even if the knowing is only in the other person and not in the one who
is acting out the unconsciousness. The energy form that lies behind
hostility and attack finds the presence of love absolutely intolerable. If
you react at all to your partner’s unconsciousness, you become
unconscious yourself. But if you then remember to know your
reaction, nothing is lost.
Humanity is under great pressure to evolve because it is our only
chance of survival as a race. This will affect every aspect of your life
and close relationships in particular. Never before have relationships
been as problematic and conflict ridden as they are now. As you may
have noticed, they are not here to make you happy or fulfilled. If you
continue to pursue the goal of salvation through a relationship, you
will be disillusioned again and again. But if you accept that the
relationship is here to make you conscious instead of happy, then the
relationship will offer you salvation, and you will be aligning yourself
with the higher consciousness that wants to be born into this world.
For those who hold on to the old patterns, there will be increasing
pain, violence, confusion, and madness.
I suppose that it takes two to make a relationship into a spiritual
practice, as you suggest. For example, my partner is still acting out
his old patterns of jealousy and control. I have pointed this out many
times, but he is unable to see it.
How many people does it take to make your life into a spiritual
practice? Never mind if your partner will not cooperate. Sanity —
consciousness — can only come into this world through you. You do
not need to wait for the world to become sane, or for somebody else
to become conscious, before you can be enlightened. You may wait
forever. Do not accuse each other of being unconscious. The moment
you start to argue, you have identified with a mental position and are
now defending not only that position but also your sense of self. The
ego is in charge. You have become unconscious. At times, it may be
appropriate to point out certain aspects of your partner’s behavior. If
you are very alert, very present, you can do so without ego
involvement — without blaming, accusing, or making the other wrong.
When your partner behaves unconsciously, relinquish all judgment.
Judgment is either to confuse someone’s unconscious behavior with
who they are or to project your own unconsciousness onto another
person and mistake that for who they are. To relinquish judgment
does not mean that you do not recognize dysfunction and
unconsciousness when you see it. It means “being the knowing”
rather than “being the reaction” and the judge. You will then either be
totally free of reaction or you may react and still be the knowing, the
space in which the reaction is watched and allowed to be. Instead of
fighting the darkness, you bring in the light. Instead of reacting to
delusion, you see the delusion yet at the same time look through it.
Being the knowing creates a clear space of loving presence that
allows all things and all people to be as they are. No greater catalyst
for transformation exists. If you practice this, your partner cannot stay
with you and remain unconscious.
If you both agree that the relationship will be your spiritual practice,
so much the better. You can then express your thoughts and feelings
to each other as soon as they occur, or as soon as a reaction comes
up, so that you do not create a time gap in which an unexpressed or
unacknowledged emotion or grievance can fester and grow. Learn to
give expression to what you feel without blaming. Learn to listen to
your partner in an open, nondefensive way. Give your partner space
for expressing himself or herself. Be present. Accusing, defending,
attacking — all those patterns that are designed to strengthen or
protect the ego or to get its needs met will then become redundant.
Giving space to others — and to yourself — is vital. Love cannot
flourish without it. When you have removed the two factors that are
destructive to relationships — when the pain-body has been
transmuted and you are no longer identified with mind and mental
positions — and if your partner has done the same, you will
experience the bliss of the flowering of relationship. Instead of
mirroring to each other your pain and your unconsciousness, instead
of satisfying your mutual addictive ego needs, you will reflect back to
each other the love that you feel deep within, the love that comes
with the realization of your oneness with all that is. This is the love
that has no opposite.
If your partner is still identified with the mind and the pain-body while
you are already free, this will represent a major challenge — not to
you but to your partner. It is not easy to live with an enlightened
person, or rather it is so easy that the ego finds it extremely
threatening. Remember that the ego needs problems, conflict, and
“enemies” to strengthen the sense of separateness on which its
identity depends. The unenlightened partner’s mind will be deeply
frustrated because its fixed positions are not resisted, which means
they will become shaky and weak, and there is even the “danger” that
they may collapse altogether, resulting in loss of self. The pain-body
is demanding feedback and not getting it. The need for argument,
drama, and conflict is not being met. But beware: Some people who
are unresponsive, withdrawn, insensitive, or cut off from their feelings
may think and try to convince others that they are enlightened, or at
least that there is “nothing wrong” with them and everything wrong
with their partner. Men tend to do that more than women. They may
see their female partners as irrational or emotional. But if you can feel
your emotions, you are not far from the radiant inner body just
underneath. If you are mainly in your head, the distance is much
greater, and you need to bring consciousness into the emotional body
before you can reach the inner body.
If there isn’t an emanation of love and joy, complete presence and
openness toward all beings, then it is not enlightenment. Another
indicator is how a person behaves in difficult or challenging situations
or when things “go wrong.” If your “enlightenment” is egoic self-
delusion, then life will soon give you a challenge that will bring out
your unconsciousness in whatever form — as fear, anger,
defensiveness, judgment, depression, and so on. If you are in a
relationship, many of your challenges will come through your partner.
For example, a woman may be challenged by an unresponsive male
partner who lives almost entirely in his head. She will be challenged
by his inability to hear her, to give her attention and space to be,
which is due to his lack of presence. The absence of love in the
relationship, which is usually more keenly felt by a woman than a
man, will trigger the woman’s pain-body, and through it she will
attack her partner — blame, criticize, make wrong, and so on. This in
turn now becomes his challenge. To defend himself against her pain-
body’s attack, which he sees as totally unwarranted, he will become
even more deeply entrenched in his mental positions as he justifies,
defends himself, or counterattacks. Eventually, this may activate his
own pain-body. When both partners have thus been taken over, a
level of deep unconsciousness has been reached, of emotional
violence, savage attack and counterattack. It will not subside until
both pain-bodies have replenished themselves and then enter the
dormant stage. Until the next time.
This is only one of an endless number of possible scenarios. Many
volumes have been written, and many more could be written, about
the ways in which unconsciousness is brought out in male-female
relationships. But, as I said earlier, once you understand the root of
the dysfunction, you do not need to explore its countless
manifestations.
Let’s briefly look again at the scenario I have just described. Every
challenge that it contains is actually a disguised opportunity for
salvation. At every stage of the unfolding dysfunctional process,
freedom from unconsciousness is possible. For example, the woman’s
hostility could become a signal for the man to come out of his mind-
identified state, awaken into the Now, become present — instead of
becoming even more identified with his mind, even more unconscious.
Instead of “being” the pain-body, the woman could be the knowing
that watches the emotional pain in herself, thus accessing the power
of the Now and initiating the transmutation of the pain. This would
remove the compulsive and automatic outward projection of it. She
could then express her feelings to her partner. There is no guarantee,
of course, that he will listen, but it gives him a good chance to
become present and certainly breaks the insane cycle of the
involuntary acting out of old mind patterns. If the woman misses that
opportunity, the man could watch his own mental-emotional reaction
to her pain, his own defensiveness, rather than being the reaction. He
could then watch his own pain-body being triggered and thus bring
consciousness into his emotions. In this way, a clear and still space of
pure awareness would come into being — the knowing, the silent
witness, the watcher. This awareness does not deny the pain and yet
is beyond it. It allows the pain to be and yet transmutes it at the
same time. It accepts everything and transforms everything. A door
would have opened up for her through which she could easily join him
in that space.
If you are consistently or at least predominantly present in your
relationship, this will be the greatest challenge for your partner. They
will not be able to tolerate your presence for very long and stay
unconscious. If they are ready, they will walk through the door that
you opened for them and join you in that state. If they are not, you
will separate like oil and water. The light is too painful for someone
who wants to remain in darkness.
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Acclaim for THE POWER OF NOW
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