What about people who want to use me, manipulate or control me?
Am I to surrender to them?
They are cut off from Being, so they unconsciously attempt to get
energy and power from you. It is true that only an unconscious person
will try to use or manipulate others, but it is equally true that only an
unconscious person can be used and manipulated. If you resist or fight
unconscious behavior in others, you become unconscious yourself. But
surrender doesn’t mean that you allow yourself to be used by
unconscious people. Not at all. It is perfectly possible to say “no”
firmly and clearly to a person or to walk away from a situation and be
in a state of complete inner nonresistance at the same time. When
you say “no” to a person or a situation, let it come not from reaction
but from insight, from a clear realization of what is right or not right
for you at that moment. Let it be a nonreactive “no,” a high-quality
“no,” a “no” that is free of all negativity and so creates no further
suffering.
I am in a situation at work that is unpleasant. I have tried to
surrender to it, but I find it impossible. A lot of resistance keeps
coming up.
If you cannot surrender, take action immediately: Speak up or do
something to bring about a change in the situation — or remove
yourself from it. Take responsibility for your life. Do not pollute your
beautiful, radiant inner Being nor the Earth with negativity. Do not
give unhappiness in any form whatsoever a dwelling place inside you.
If you cannot take action, for example if you are in prison, then you
have two choices left: resistance or surrender. Bondage or inner
freedom from external conditions. Suffering or inner peace.
Is nonresistance also to be practiced in the external conduct of our
lives, such as nonresistance to violence, or is it something that just
concerns our inner life?
You only need to be concerned with the inner aspect. That is primary.
Of course, that will also transform the conduct of your outer life, your
relationships, and so on.
Your relationships will be changed profoundly by surrender. If you can
never accept what is, by implication you will not be able to accept
anybody the way they are. You will judge, criticize, label, reject, or
attempt to change people. Furthermore, if you continuously make the
Now into a means to an end in the future, you will also make every
person you encounter or relate with into a means to an end. The
relationship — the human being — is then of secondary importance to
you, or of no importance at all. What you can get out of the
relationship is primary — be it material gain, a sense of power,
physical pleasure, or some form of ego gratification.
Let me illustrate how surrender can work in relationships. When you
become involved in an argument or some conflict situation, perhaps
with a partner or someone close to you, start by observing how
defensive you become as your own position is attacked, or feel the
force of your own aggression as you attack the other person’s
position. Observe the attachment to your views and opinions. Feel the
mental-emotional energy behind your need to be right and make the
other person wrong. That’s the energy of the egoic mind. You make it
conscious by acknowledging it, by feeling it as fully as possible. Then
one day, in the middle of an argument, you will suddenly realize that
you have a choice, and you may decide to drop your own reaction —
just to see what happens. You surrender. I don’t mean dropping the
reaction just verbally by saying, “Okay, you are right,” with a look on
your face that says, “I am above all this childish unconsciousness.”
That’s just displacing the resistance to another level, with the egoic
mind still in charge, claiming superiority. I am speaking of letting go
of the entire mental-emotional energy field inside you that was
fighting for power.
The ego is cunning, so you have to be very alert, very present, and
totally honest with yourself to see whether you have truly relinquished
your identification with a mental position and so freed yourself from
your mind. If you suddenly feel very light, clear, and deeply at peace,
that is an unmistakable sign that you have truly surrendered. Then
observe what happens to the other person’s mental position as you no
longer energize it through resistance. When identification with mental
positions is out of the way, true communication begins.
What about nonresistance in the face of violence, aggression, and the
like?
Nonresistance doesn’t necessarily mean doing nothing. All it means is
that any “doing” becomes nonreactive. Remember the deep wisdom
underlying the practice of Eastern martial arts: Don’t resist the
opponent’s force. Yield to overcome.
Having said that, “doing nothing” when you are in a state of intense
presence is a very powerful transformer and healer of situations and
people. In Taoism, there is a term called wu wei, which is usually
translated as “actionless activity” or “sitting quietly doing nothing.” In
ancient China, this was regarded as one of the highest achievements
or virtues. It is radically different from inactivity in the ordinary state
o f consciousness, or rather unconsciousness, which stems from fear,
inertia, or indecision. The real “doing nothing” implies inner
nonresistance and intense alertness.
On the other hand, if action is required, you will no longer react from
your conditioned mind, but you will respond to the situation out of
your conscious presence. In that state, your mind is free of concepts,
including the concept of non-violence. So who can predict what you
will do?
The ego believes that in your resistance lies your strength, whereas in
truth resistance cuts you off from Being, the only place of true power.
Resistance is weakness and fear masquerading as strength. What the
ego sees as weakness is your Being in its purity, innocence, and
power. What it sees as strength is weakness. So the ego exists in a
continuous resistance-mode and plays counterfeit roles to cover up
your “weakness,” which in truth is your power.
Until there is surrender, unconscious role-playing constitutes a large
part of human interaction. In surrender, you no longer need ego
defenses and false masks. You become very simple, very real. “That’s
dangerous,” says the ego. “You’ll get hurt. You’ll become vulnerable.”
What the ego doesn’t know, of course, is that only through the letting
go of resistance, through becoming “vulnerable,” can you discover
your true and essential invulnerability.