Chapter 6: Love between a Man and a Woman

 

Love is necessary for good health. Someone who is not part of a loving relationship is ten times more likely to experience chronic disease, and five times more likely to have a mental breakdown, than someone who is. Obviously, love is not just an essential element in higher spiritual experiences, but it is also a fundamental necessity for physical survival and well-being.

For many of us, love finds meaningful expression in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex. The relationship between a man and a woman is the foundation of the family unit, which is in turn the bedrock of society, nations and the world order. If we do not learn how to create stronger, more positive male-female relationships, we are inviting even greater confusion around the planet.

Lack of Depth in Today’s Society

Modern society is extremely impersonal. Our mechanized and electronic world keeps us apart from one another as we drive our automobiles, watch our televisions, sit in front of our computers and work in our sealed offices far from home. Many people prefer to spend their time playing with toys instead of developing genuine, deep, heart-to-heart relationships. Because so many material conveniences exist in the marketplace to use as we see fit, we have learned to view them as objects dedicated to our own pleasure. Unfortunately, we have developed the habit of viewing other people in the same way. The result is tremendous competition, anxiety and neediness. Believing that true love is a fiction, many of us give up the search for a genuine lover and settle for a relationship of convenience.

Our society is full of people whose paranoia and fear of failure prevent them from having deep relationships. Many suffer because they are unable to attain a sense of genuine well-being. As they go about their daily activities, they share this unhappy mentality with others. Consequently, disillusionment and cynicism become widespread.

Loving Others Means Loving Ourselves

People who do not love themselves cannot love others. Anyone looking for a mate should ascertain whether the potential partner has a healthy sense of self-love. People who behave destructively toward themselves cannot love others and carry their negative feelings into their relationships. How can such a person make a deep connection with someone else? In particular, people who engage in obviously harmful activities such as taking drugs, becoming intoxicated, compulsively gambling or indulging in illicit sex are doing a disservice to themselves, and will share these degrading habits with others.

A profound loving relationship with such a person is not possible. If we believe anything to the contrary, we are indulging in wishful thinking. Individuals who lack self-love cannot share deeply with others because they only have access to the most superficial aspects of themselves. We must keep our eyes open when seeking a partner. If we are frantically searching for someone, we are likely to paint our own images on anyone who comes our way. The object of our fantasy will appear to possess the most wonderful qualities because, after all, we painted the picture. In such cases, we fall in love with our own conceptions rather than genuinely caring about the other person.

How could we ever be so foolish? Actually, it is very easy. Unaware that our actual wholeness is accessible internally, we simply find someone who outwardly conforms to our idea of an attractive person, and use that individual as a screen upon which to project our fantasies in the form of hopes, fears and desires.

This process of externalization and projection usually lies at the origin of romantic love, and the romance endures only as long as the illusion remains intact. Often the relationship disintegrates because the person is not at all what we anticipated. We may initially conclude, “Oh, I’m in love! This is the one I’ve been waiting for.” But after some time we realize that we were merely intoxicated with our own ideas, which prevented us from acknowledging what we really knew all along: that this person is not the one for us.

The Quest for Wholeness

Men and women pursue each other in their quest for wholeness. The male, lacking some basic feminine traits, seeks a woman who can give him what he needs. Actually, he is looking for the woman missing within himself. Similarly, the female is seeking outside herself for the masculine aspect lying dormant within her.

We all have within us a certain degree of imbalance between our masculine and feminine qualities. Becoming whole means establishing an equilibrium between them. The more we are willing to value a woman’s authentic masculine side and a man’s genuine feminine side, the healthier our relationships will be. As we become balanced and complete unto ourselves, we can more easily attract a similarly balanced and complete partner to assist us in our service.

When two incomplete personalities come together, the result is not wholeness, but greater frustration. Two needy people cannot make each other happy. They are too busy trying to find fulfillment for themselves. When we become too desperate about anything, we should be careful. As long as we believe that someone “out there” will make us happy, we will never be successful in any relationship. But when we gain access to deeper layers of ourselves, we attain more of our natural harmony with nature and with the Supreme Personality of Godhead. Then we become more complete and have a greater balance of masculine and feminine energies.

Two whole personalities who come together have the opportunity to develop a strong relationship. They are not excessively dominant or dependent, nor do they manipulate each other to shore up their own insecurities. Such people do not behave like beggars looking for someone to perform miracles for them. Even if they ultimately fail to attract a partner, they will not feel lost, because they appreciate everything that the Lord has done for them. Instead of trying to acquire something for themselves, they will want to share their wholeness with others. In such a state they come to resemble—in their own small way—the reservoir of divinity, the Supreme Personality of Godhead, who radiates love to everyone.

The more we are whole, the more we are naturally loving and capable of divine associations, because in our essence we are actually loving beings who are only temporarily covered over. We begin to experience greater wholeness as we understand our inner nature as spirit souls and experience our connection with the Lord.

However, in our quest for wholeness, we must be careful not to believe that we are healthier and more balanced than others. Remember, we are all insane to have taken birth in these material bodies in the first place. This limited physical world is largely one of frustration, depression, anxiety and gloom, in which we live from day to day longing for the pleasure and ecstasy we know are available somewhere. We ask frantically, “Where is that love?” Lonely and depressed, we know something is wrong with us because we just cannot seem to find what we are seeking.

Distorted Gender Roles

We have seen that every person is a combination of masculine and feminine elements in differing proportions. This fact is apparent even on a physiological level: the body of every male contains female hormones, and female bodies contain male hormones. Women have breasts, as do men, and for all their differences, the reproductive organs are alike in many ways.

Modern sinful culture forces us into an artificially distorted role-play between the sexes. A man is afraid to be sensitive, compassionate or caring. Because he does not develop the gentle side of himself, he does not become a whole person. For her part, the female learns to give up her identity, suppress her initiative and become passive. She is not a whole person, either. As a result, society functions in an extremely unbalanced and fragmented way. Another aspect of this distortion, particularly in the case of the female, is that she is often abused, treated as chattel or even deprived of full citizenship rights such as the right to vote or the right to own property. As a result, many women hate being female.

In modern culture, as an antidote to the traditional passive female role, it has become acceptable for women to imitate men, becoming aggressive and competitive in order to be respected participants in the economic system. This is not a remedy to the imbalance between the sexes. The aggressive, competitive masculinity they are emulating is a distortion of true masculine qualities, such as initiative, courage, discernment and decisive action tempered with love.

When women try to behave like caricatures of men, they minimize their unique feminine qualities of intuition, inspiration and receptivity, and devalue their roles as nurturers and carriers of the culture—all of which could help save the planet. When men adopt distorted feminine qualities, becoming increasingly passive, dependent and weak, they are not providing a solution, either. Consequently, the whole society is in disarray.

As a general rule, though, most people in this society lack, or do not express, authentic feminine qualities, while masculine traits are overemphasized to everyone’s detriment. In fact, the entire world is suffering from insufficient feminine energy, as evidenced by the terrible way we are abusing the planet.

Spiritual Life Is Androgynous

Spiritually advanced people are naturally androgynous and have achieved an integration of the masculine and the feminine sides. A spiritually strong woman has access to dominant masculine energy that enables her to take decisive action, while a spiritually evolved man can easily express feminine traits such as humility and sensitivity. As we progress spiritually, we become more surrendered to the Lord, so that we are not controlled by what others think. When this happens, we are not so bound to traditional gender roles and can more easily express qualities attributed to the opposite sex. We are able to live spontaneously and truthfully without fear or false sentimentality.

We cannot go back home to God incomplete. This means we cannot go back home thinking that we are just male or just female. In order to progress, we must gain an understanding of androgyny, which is not merely physical or sexual. As mentioned earlier, society wants us to think that love is sex, and that in order to have relationships we must express ourselves sexually. However, remember that no one is more attractive than a highly evolved, spiritual woman or man. Everyone wants to be with such a person; that is natural. But this does not mean that the relationship must be overtly sexual.

When we start to unfold spiritually, we must monitor ourselves carefully to avoid causing disturbance to others. For example, as a man becomes more of a whole being, his feminine side will start to emerge. In this initial phase, such a man can feel so nourished by feminine energies that he wants desperately to experience them more intensely. Without vigilance, he may be attracted to one woman after another, feeling a need to be intimately involved with each. If he does not realize that this feeling is a result of his awakening feminine side, he can become promiscuous. A woman can have a similar experience, being drawn to a series of men as her masculine side awakens. If we are not careful, we can find ourselves engaging in indiscriminate sexual activity. We can see this phenomenon, for example, in some new-age organizations, in which men and women routinely practice “free love.”

We must resist the urge to engage in unrestricted sexual expression. Ultimately we will just frustrate ourselves and others. This frustration can even become another factor contributing to a gay or lesbian lifestyle. Many women become tired of engaging in affairs, lamenting, “When I tried to find a man in college, it didn’t work out. I tried to find a man at the office; that didn’t work out. I tried to connect with an older man; it didn’t work, and when I found a younger man, that didn’t work, either. Then I tried to find a spiritual person, and still I got exploited. I’ve had enough. Now I want a woman.” In the process of trying to find a mate, many women have experienced constant abuse, misuse and exploitation, and so they have lost interest in men. But, unfortunately, a woman in this situation may continue to experience a lack of integration, because she cannot be fully whole if she is playing the dominant male role herself, suppressing her femininity.

Men can find themselves in similar situations, concluding, “Enough with these women. Let me find a man, someone who has similar experiences. At least we’ll be able to understand each other.” In some circumstances, such a man may simply lack strong masculine characteristics, easily becoming attached to another male who has dominant traits. He is actually seeking the man who is lacking in himself by trying to find it in someone else.

In today’s society, many gay people may actually be the first to become deeply spiritual, because they have experienced frustration on all sides and are ready for a real change. They want a genuine connection with something higher. Once again, we must not condemn them, because their behavior is a cry for love. Unfortunately, though, because such a cry is not generally aligned to the developmental needs of the whole being, it can eventually lead to disturbance and confusion.

Resolving Differences

Men and women who want to live harmoniously together must not be afraid of conflict. This statement may seem paradoxical, but conflicts and differences of opinion are integral parts of any relationship. The beauty is that when love is mutual, partners can resolve the issues together. Even if we believe that we are not at fault, we can ask our partner: “How can I change? What can I do? What do you think would be the most spiritual way to address this?” A mate who cares will not suggest something impossible, and we will grow closer to the other person because of the exchange.

Your spouse might say: “You know, you really made a fool of yourself. You really shouldn’t have behaved like that.” At this point you have a choice. You can say, “I was not a fool! You’re just envious. And what about you last week? You were worse.” Or you can say instead: “What would make you happier about this? Let’s talk about it.” Then you can agree on a course of action to remedy the problem. If the first solution does not work, then you may agree to try something else. And even if you continue to disagree, at least your own willingness to talk can serve as an example to your spouse about how to behave in such circumstances. These situations are not so difficult if we have a sense of humility and are ready to grow and learn.

We often feel affection for those who reinforce our illusions about ourselves. By the same token, we generally have no time for people who refuse to support our faulty self-concepts. The more someone agrees with us, the better we feel, because this allows us to perpetuate our belief that everything is in order. Because we do not make corrections, our illusions increase, and the cycle continues. The ultimate outcome is confusion and unhappy relationships, because we are not willing to grow.

Sometimes we believe that our partner does not reciprocate our love. We are really admitting that we are in love with our idea of how the other person should behave. If our love is genuine, though, we will want to know of any problems we are causing and explore ways to remedy them. When we hear suggestions, we can ask for help in working on them. So where is the argument? Why do people make themselves suffer and create so much pain in relationships? It is completely unnecessary.

No relationship is without its problems. Sometimes the most wonderful relationships are also the most conflict-ridden. The only fundamental difference between a successful marriage and an unsuccessful one is the way in which the couple deals with the problems that arise. It all depends on our choices. We have to decide whether we want to suffer or whether we would prefer to make ourselves and others happy about life. We have it within our power to create healthy, positive relationships.

We cannot let someone else’s behavior cause us to forget God and abandon our spiritual practice. It is more important to be humble and truly respect others. If our partner is anxious, then let us discover how we can help. Maybe we are responsible for the problem. As long as we believe we are right, or that the other person has to meet our demands, there is no possibility of genuine resolution. Nobody will be happy in such a house.

Offering Everything Back to the Lord

When we understand that our partner has been given to us by God, we ask ourselves, “Is God happy with the way I am treating His daughter or son?” Such an approach gives us more strength to tolerate difficulties in a relationship. When a problem arises, we may think reflexively: “That was an insult! I’m angry.” But if we remember that we are caretaking for the Lord, we can move beyond our disturbance, interpreting the perceived insult as a cry for love rather than as an attack.

As we offer everything back to the Lord, we discover many keys to make our relationships work. If we are unwilling to look for these keys, all the seminars and workshops in the world will not help. Theories are meaningless if we do not live from the heart. Book learning does not work if we do not seek a deeper understanding of the individual, the human condition and eternal spiritual truths.

Problems in a relationship are wonderful opportunities to discover our level of caring for another person. Such situations can test our willingness to be committed, honest, responsible and accountable. Unfortunately, when challenges arise, one of the pair may start looking for an escape route, and the partnership gets shaken. But when we “hang in” and resolve difficult issues with our partner, the love increases because we have remained true to each other and cooperatively triumphed over adversity.

God-centeredness is essential in a relationship. When we think we are the proprietors, we cling to our money and other possessions. But when we understand that we are servants of the Lord, we realize that everything we have is actually a vehicle to allow us to offer our love back to God. This realization encourages us to become extremely loving and attentive, because we know that we are caretakers on behalf of the Supreme.

A relationship is an arrangement made by God to give us the opportunity to reciprocate His love for us. As we care for a husband, wife or children, we gain the motivation to offer them the best of ourselves, even beyond what is necessary, because they belong to God. Our children are not ours alone; they are children of God. Our mate is not our property either, but is a representative of the Lord.

Are We Really Selfless?

When we act selfishly, we are feeding our own desires instead of serving someone else. We must examine our relationships carefully to discover where we are really directing our energies. Are we concerned about another person’s welfare? Are we interested in that individual beyond superficial appearances? Is our focus spiritual? Or are we just intoxicated with our own importance, seeking first and foremost to feel good about ourselves?

What is most important in a loving relationship is the quality of our caretaking on behalf of the Lord, not the benefits we gain. Whenever we view ourselves as caretakers, we dedicate our actions to the Supreme Lord. We are concerned, yet we do not see the other person merely as an extension of ourselves. We make every effort to give that particular soul the best we have to offer.

Of course, our best includes fulfilling our material responsibilities, but that is only the beginning. We must also give the other person what really matters, which is love, understanding and spirituality. We should lovingly offer support and encouragement to our spouse, and raise our children to be God-conscious, teaching them that they belong to God.

That is why a marriage requires a strong spiritual foundation. A marriage based on self-centeredness, economic security or social convenience will very likely bring unhappiness. Such factors are transitory. The economic or social situations may change, the partners’ attitudes may evolve, and all the reasons for forming the union in the first place may suddenly evaporate. When those elements are no longer important, nothing is left.

Attachment and Detachment

Attachment and detachment, important elements of spiritual life, are essential in marriage. But we must be attached and detached in the proper way, avoiding the extremes of being too clinging and demanding or too distant and indifferent. The question is: Exactly what are we attached to? Are we eager to give back to the Lord what belongs to Him in the first place, or are we clinging to our own desires for sense gratification? Our attachment should lie in offering everything to the Lord, whether it be our family, house, work or possessions.

The fact of the matter is that we do not own anything, because everything belongs to the Lord. So, even if we try to become detached from our spouse and children, what are we actually giving up? If we claim to be detached, we are implying that we are now relinquishing something that we once possessed. This is a false conception. In addition, we should not use spiritual detachment as an excuse to become indifferent to those close to us. That is not loving behavior. Our duty is to employ everything to please the Lord without ever believing that we are the proprietors.

When we act as caretakers instead of proprietors, we try to please the Lord in our interactions with those close to us, because we understand that everyone is a representative of God. If parents did not feed their children properly, provide proper education or take proper care of their health, the Lord would be displeased. Although our physical bodies are mere vehicles, still they belong to God, and we are responsible for keeping them fit so that they do not interfere with the functioning of the mind, intelligence and soul.

Looking for a Mate

Although almost everyone wants a mate, many people have difficulty finding a suitable one. People looking for a marriage partner should be extremely clear about their priorities in life. When we go shopping, we usually know what we want. If we do not know, we wander aimlessly from store to store, buying a few random items and going home unfulfilled. The situation is similar when choosing a spouse. If we just wander from person to person, with no idea of the qualities we want, we may eventually wind up with someone completely inappropriate. At best, we will waste a lot of energy and become frustrated.

Once we decide what we want, we should put our needs on the table and look for someone who meets those needs. A relationship is a partnership, a matter of teamwork in which both people complement each other while working toward a common goal. Before making a commitment, a couple should examine goals together to discover whether they are on the same track. Failure to do so can cause serious problems.

We must understand the spiritual aspect of relationships. Men and women in committed relationships can help each other grow spiritually. If we have a mate, we should advance with our partner, or make sure that our partner advances with us. If we are growing and our partner is not, we will ultimately have serious problems.

A man and woman who are unclear about their priorities generally form a dysfunctional relationship. Both persons end up experimenting on each other, hoping to find an answer for themselves. When the experiment does not succeed, they discard each other in favor of new partners. In other circumstances, people without sufficient self-love enter into relationships hoping to find the love they want. However, as we have seen, two incomplete people using a relationship to make themselves feel complete usually cannot attain success. Each person is waiting for the other to make a miracle happen, and both parties wind up feeling cheated.

Once we develop a clear understanding of what is most important to us, we must not deny our needs just to find a partner. If we do, we will become more frustrated later on. We should be natural, allowing our priorities to speak for themselves and discussing them honestly with any potential mate. If the other person is not ready to accept them, then no meaningful relationship is possible. It is unwise to hope that another person will change. Those who cling to this idea are asking for misery. No fulfillment is likely for a husband whose wife becomes angry every time he engages in spiritual practice, or vice versa.

Let us not torture ourselves unnecessarily; we have enough difficulties already. We should seek a partner who allows us to express love in action, to enjoy life on a higher level and to share our realizations with others. We should not allow loneliness to drive us into an alliance with someone unable to share the most important aspects of our lives. Eventually we will feel even greater pain than the original loneliness, because our partner will not be willing to receive what we have to offer. When we finally realize the futility of our efforts, we may have invested so much that the separation is wrenching. People can carry deep wounds from such experiences for the rest of their lives and never open their hearts to anyone again.

Ten Practices for Wholeness

To develop meaningful relationships with members of the opposite sex, we must become whole human beings who have no need to look outside ourselves for solutions. Instead, we must learn to turn within ourselves and connect with higher, spiritual realities. How do we make such connections? The following ten points and practices, which summarize much of our discussion so far, offer guidelines for attaining the wholeness that can serve as a foundation for a strong, enduring relationship with a partner.

1. We must learn to love ourselves. As we have seen, those who do not care for themselves cannot give to others. One aspect of self-love is to observe four basic principles: no drugs or intoxication, no gambling, no illicit sex and no meat-eating. All these indulgences can weaken our basic constitution. The more we allow ourselves to live according to natural laws, the more surrendered we become to the will of God. If we lack self-esteem, we are refusing to see ourselves as children of God and do not have sufficient love and devotion to share with anyone else.

2. The love we receive from our mate actually comes from the Lord, and our job is to send it back. Others channel God’s love to us, and we channel His love to others. The Lord is engaging us in play to see what we do with His love. We can reciprocate God’s love by caring for our partner with great devotion, as if God Himself were present. Our mate becomes a pathway through which we can return our love to God.

3. Love has no price tag. It is not a business arrangement or a contract with an escape clause for difficult circumstances. We cannot approach the Lord in a mood of bargaining, and we should not begin our meditations and prayers with a long shopping list. Prayers of this nature are not based on unmotivated, unconditional love and do not help us develop the higher consciousness necessary to make us whole.

We do not have to remind God of our needs. The more we accept the fact that our lives are always under God’s control, the more we understand that true prayer means: “Thy will be done.” When we can sincerely offer such a prayer, we are becoming more integrated beings.

4. We must go beyond merely loving our neighbors as ourselves. We should actually love others—especially our mates—even more than we love ourselves. When we love our partners that much, we realize that they have been given to us as gifts from God and that we do not own them. We are merely caretakers on behalf of the Lord, and our responsibility is to fulfill the Lord’s wishes concerning them. Any attempt to dominate them becomes distasteful. Instead, we should make efforts to bring out their higher qualities—a practice that will also bring out our own higher nature.

5. We should always view ourselves as love in action, carrying love wherever we go, so filled with love that it naturally overflows to everyone we meet. In this frame of mind, we serve as representatives of the Divine in every aspect of our lives.

We can practice love in action through the breath. As we inhale, we visualize ourselves absorbing the pain and frustration of our loved ones; as we exhale, we send happiness, joy, love and peace back to them. Actually, this is not just a practice to help those close to us, but also the entire world. We inhale: we are concerned. We are not oblivious to other people’s problems. We want to help. We exhale: we are breathing out love, compassion and healing. This is not just an idle exercise. It has a powerful impact, and if we monitor the process over time, we will witness the beneficial effects on others.

6. See your relationship with your mate as an integral part of your relationship with the Lord. Here is a practice that can help. Visualize a triangle with points A, B and C. You are A, your partner is B and the Lord who dwells in the heart is C. Make an agreement with your partner to form this triangle as a permanent bond between you, so that whenever you meditate, chant or pray, you are in connection with your partner and with the Lord. You do not necessarily have to meditate together or think about the connection simultaneously. Your agreement will work anytime and anyplace.

7. Share your spiritual realizations with your mate, helping raise your partner’s consciousness as well as your own. Then your relationship will become one of growth and acceleration. Sometimes we fear surrender in spiritual life, afraid of having to give up our identity. But we should understand that surrender to the Supreme is an opportunity to regain our full identity. Without a spiritual dimension to our lives, we are not integrated and cannot experience deep love.

8. Practice offering the same quality of love you feel for your mate to everyone. In other words, extend to others the love you have for the most lovable being in your life—but without the sexual component. We may wonder how to subtract the sexual element. Just remember that sex and love are not necessarily synonymous. Our love for our children can be extremely intense without any sexual overtones. No matter what the circumstances, try to develop that same kind of love in each of your relationships.

We all know the sweetness of loving just one person. Can you imagine how much sweeter it would be to have those feelings for everyone? Think of the loving exchanges that could develop, the reciprocation that would enrich our own lives and the lives of others. Unimaginable happiness, joy and satisfaction would be our daily quota. We would no longer rely on particular individuals to give us this experience, because we would understand that we are really seeking God. The more we understand that God is in each person, the more we experience the Divine, and the more the Divine will make us whole.

9. Try to develop competitive relationships. At first, this may sound strange and contradictory. How can we talk about cooperation, sharing and selflessness, and then advocate competition? But actually no contradiction exists. In a spiritual context, competition means that we strive to be more selfless than our partner, seeing who can give more. We compete in reminding our mate about the Supreme and encouraging that person to move faster toward the Lord. The purpose of the competition is to assist one another in spiritual growth.

This process is only for people who want to be spiritual, who seek higher experiences beyond the flickering pleasures of material life. Such a competition in selflessness encourages partners to remember why they are in this body—to become once again loving entities devoted to the Lord.

10. Treat all relationships as practice in preparation for the ultimate divine relationships in the kingdom of God. This means that we should practice seeing our mate as an agent of God, recognizing our own divine nature, and remembering that we are children of God for whom great realizations and pleasures are available. Only in the kingdom of God will we find the love and the eternal relationships we long for so deeply.

Ultimately, the real relationships and associations reside in their perfected states in the kingdom of God. Right now, we are living in a school of unfoldment to help us become qualified to experience love far beyond anything that we can currently imagine. To do so, we must put God at the center. The Lord is in the heart of everyone, available to guide us. But we cannot go back home if we believe that we are just physical beings looking for happiness with the opposite sex. We can go back when we accept that we are children of God who have a chance to be with our loving Mother-Father God in an eternal realm. That is our natural birthright.

We take a step closer to that eternal kingdom each time we view a situation as an expression of God’s divinity, or each time we act as another’s caretaker instead of an abuser or exploiter. Remember, when we live in such a high state of consciousness we encounter divinity everywhere, until finally we begin to experience the realms of the spiritual world even while in the mortal body!

Questions and Answers

Question: When you mentioned self-love, you said that loving oneself meant no drugs, no gambling, no illicit sex and no meat-eating. Would you please elaborate on the meat-eating part?

Answer: It is very simple. We all know that the body is greatly affected by what we eat. An animal lives for eating, sleeping, mating and defending. There is nothing wrong with that, because animals do not seek self-realization. But someone who eats animal flesh takes on some of the animal’s qualities, which can interfere with spiritual advancement. In addition, from a nutritional perspective, many experts know that meat is not particularly healthy. From a spiritual viewpoint, one primary concern is the violence involved in animal slaughter. Such violence has a collective karmic effect, creating a strong possibility for violence in human society. In general, cultures with a tradition of vegetarianism display much less aggressive violence.

If at all possible, we should encourage our mate to adopt a vegetarian diet. We can make delicious vegetarian dishes to share. When we prepare the food in a loving state of consciousness and offer it to the Lord, the food becomes spiritualized and can be a powerful force for purification.

Question: If your mate just becomes more hostile and selfish whenever you try to be unselfish, what should you do?

Answer: If you have a partner like that, you do not really have a mate. A mate means a match, someone who complements you. If a man continues to exploit a woman who is trying to be more loving and concerned, she must realize that she is not in a functioning relationship. The more she tries to become spiritual, the more her mate acts to discourage her. She may have to find someone else, or it may be her karma in this lifetime not to have a physical mate.

Some people in this life may not be destined to have a partner. This does not have to be a major issue, because most of us do not remain in these physical bodies very long. Instead of lamenting the situation, we can use the time to do intense spiritual work and get ourselves ready for our next steps. As we become more balanced we will experience greater love for a growing number of people anyway. Then we will find fulfillment from these genuine relationships.

Question: An attractive member of the opposite sex will always turn my head. How can I get beyond seeing someone as just a body?

Answer: If we play the body game, we are eventually going to be disappointed, because our partner’s body is inevitably going to change. So is our own. If a relationship is based on appearances, then before long we will become disgusted because the youth of the physical body does not last.

People are always changing form, although we do not often realize it. For example, someone we love may have an accident and lose a limb. Or a loved one may start growing old. The person we were attracted to originally now looks completely different, with less hair and more fat. Actually, the individual has taken on a whole new body. Sometimes we may be tempted to think, “That’s not the one who attracted me. That’s a different person altogether.”

If a relationship is just based on superficial appearances, or on how sweetly, poetically and glibly we speak to our partner to cover up our inner emptiness, there can be no deep, genuine connection. Love must be beyond physical attraction. Sometimes relationships are on such a bodily platform that as soon as there is no physical contact, conflict arises, without the parties even knowing why. They just experience great tension and anxiety as soon as the touching game stops.

Unfortunately, one day our senses-and our lover’s senses-are not going to be the same. What will become of our relationship if it is merely based on sexual stimulation? If the relationship becomes empty, do we decide that God does not exist any more? Do we conclude that God does not love us or that He has cheated us in some way, simply because we are no longer experiencing physical pleasure with our partner? Will we cry out and curse the Lord, or will we try to understand more deeply how the situation can be an expression of His love?